I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
