A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
