Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
