I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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