If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
