For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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