I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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