so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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