I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
