Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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