I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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