You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
