Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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