Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
