if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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