Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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