Please, let me fuck your mom
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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