my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Who died my cat blue again?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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