im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
