o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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