a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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