Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
