Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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