Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
