in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
