I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
