Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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