Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
