Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
