Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
