i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
