How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
