I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
the liver wants what the liver wants
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
