Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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