Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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