you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
