please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
