They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
