I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
