No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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