mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
