shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
