I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
