I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
