Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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