Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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