i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
