I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
