You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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