OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
