Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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